Here it goes again

Just when I thought I was done feeling anything for him, he instant messaged me. The first time I saw the message too late and he'd already gone offline. The second time I saw it, but didn't want to see what he'd typed so I opened a bazillion new (empty) tabs in Firefox to push the Gmail chat out of my sight. These are the ridiculous things I do when I don't want to do something or don't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him, but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him. I didn't want to tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again, but part of me wants to remove him permanently from my life.

This is so hard for me for some reason. It shouldn't be hard for me at all--this is the same guy who literally told me he didn't always like our conversations. He refused to call me on the phone! I should take that to mean that he doesn't like to talk to me. That I bore him. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks or so, so obviously he's not missing me. (I refuse to start any conversations with him because of the remark he made about not liking our conversations.)

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I want from him. I respect his opinion regarding musical things, but other than that, I'm not sure how I feel about him as a friend. He and I weren't friends at the end because of the way he treated me. (I know there has to be something I did that was wrong, but I can't think of anything that I did that was as bad as anything that he did.) Logically, my head tells me to sever ties, that there's no reason for me to talk to someone who doesn't want to speak to me. I never believed him when he said he cared about me because his actions never matched his words and the only time he said he cared about me was when I flat out asked him. I used to go around thinking, "I have a boyfriend who doesn't like me," and was depressed because of it. My head says he's a liar but my heart doesn't want to believe it. I'm torn between my head and heart. I hate it.

This morning, fearing if I didn't say anything he'd take it as me ignoring him and then never speak to me again, I emailed him to acknowledge the two times he tried to message me. In his response email he told me that he was coming up here from Thursday till Monday and that he figured he'd say hi. He didn't say he wanted to see me, but why would he "figure [he'd] say hi" if he didn't plan on seeing me? Why even bother telling me at all? He used to tell me I was passive, but that's just as passive. It's like he wants me to tell him I want to see him so he'll get that adored feeling. Why not just flat out ask me if I want to see him?! But I don't even know that he wants to see me. Fuck.

This uncertainty is bringing me right back to where I was before when he would come up, promise to see me, then go back to LA without so much as a phone call or text saying he was leaving. I would always get my hopes up thinking that it would be different, that he would make time for me. Today my hopes were high, despite my trying to bring them down, and he's slowly letting me down again. For the life of me, I can't get it through my head that HE IS NOT GOING TO SEE ME. Really, he's just playing mind games with me. He's setting me up to see him, but then on Monday morning when he leaves he will not have seen me or even spoken to me.

--He emailed me a little while ago and said he's in the East Bay and he's in town to pick something up for work. To me that means he won't be working and that he's got free time, but he still made no mention of seeing me.--

I have this idyllic view of our relationship, this delusional idea that he's going to show up at my doorstep and apologize to my face for all the things he did. For ditching me, betraying me, disrespecting me. Then everything will be wonderful between us. I will be able to be everything he wanted and he will be everything I wanted. Something to erase and fix all this stupid hurt. That's what it is--hurt. It just plain hurts. I really can't be anything with him (friends or otherwise) until I forgive him and move on. I think what's holding me back is that he hasn't asked to be forgiven. He's apologized over instant messenger several times. I will give him that. But that isn't good enough for me. He needs to do it in person like a respectful, decent human being. I need to SEE that he's sorry, not read it. I fucking want to see his sad face for once. We shared at least two seasons with each other and I deserve more than what he's given me.

He even told me that he's not good for me right now. He shouldn't have messaged me if he's not good for me. He knows better. I know better. I shouldn't have emailed him this morning. I was asking for it. Fuck, this feeling sucks. I really just want to give him his stuff back so I don't have to open this wound again by seeing him some other time in the future.

The boy never even loved me.

God damn.