Date inventory

Sore nipple, two hickeys and a bruised crotch. Never had a date end quite like this before.

New singing video

I've been too busy and unmotivated to share my dating disaster stories right now (I really just want to stop thinking about dating altogether if I can). So instead, here's a video of me playing my new ukulele. :-)

Marry Me

Hi lovey dovies,

It's too hot in Oakland to write anything of substance. However, I did record a video of myself being musical. If you'd like to see it, it's here.

Good night,

MMC

Kind of breakthrough

I'm in a singing group. I mentioned this before, right? So we sang last week--four sets at various classy retirement homes in San Francisco. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt at ease singing for people. In fact, I really enjoyed it. I've never been able to fully grasp the "singing for others can be a gift to them" concept, but I understood it a little more when I saw the looks on the seniors' faces. To me I've always thought thinking someone else would enjoy the sound I create was the arrogant way to think, but I do get joy out of hearing other people sing, so why not? So I guess I've had a kind of breakthrough. Just wanted to mention it before I forgot.

More stories of dating disasters to come. I've got some doozies.

Men are scum.

I haven't written here for a very long time, and it kind of makes me sad. These past few months I've been incredibly busy and feely and trying to be as bold as I can be in the dating scene. I feel like social stuff is something I've needed to focus on. Sometimes I'm in my own world about how people act and think. I guess I've expected everyone to behave civilly toward each other, but I've recently had the realization that many people aren't civil. People lie, cheat, steal, and everything else.

Where to start.

So after my boyfriend and I broke up, I felt desperate (sort of), but in the kind of angry way where I didn't want him to ruin my life. My favorite guy friend, D, had a house warming party with his roommate and despite my feeling of ugly depression, I slapped on a smile and went. I ended up flirting with several guys that night, but befriended two. One (G) was a friend of D, and the other, V, was a guest of D's roommate. This particular story is about V.

From the moment I saw him in the kitchen, I could tell he wanted something from me. We sort of noticed each other. Finally, he came up to me and we started up a conversation. He was completely wasted, but funny so I kept up the flirtation with him. He paused our conversation and went out to smoke for a little bit. Somehow he ended up leaving without saying anything to me. An hour or so later, the party was dying down so we all went to a jazz club. Suddenly, V walks up behind me with a drink in his hand and asks me to dance. As soon as we got on the dance floor the song ended and the band packed up to leave. Against my better judgment (after all, this was a drunk guy), I hung out with V and his friend P for the rest of the night.

We got back to the party apartment and V asked me to go talk to him on the balcony. For about an hour or so we chatted and he was obviously hitting on me. At one point he asked me to kiss him, but he was so drunk I told him no, but that didn't stop him from kissing me on my face. I really didn't care about that, but I didn't want to make out with a drunk dude while I'm completely sober.

As the party started dying down, we left and headed to a diner (it was like 3 or 4 in the morning by this time). The entire time we were there, V was telling P (in English and sometimes another language) how much he liked me. There was NO question about whether or not he wanted to date me. P asked me if I had any single girl friends for him, and V made some comment like "We haven't even had our first date and you're asking her for her friends???" He even told me he wanted to take me rock climbing with him.

When the night ended I gave him my phone number and expected never to see him again. I really just thought he was drunk and overly friendly. In the case that he did call me, I'd actually decided not to speak to him again because of his drinking. (It doesn't bother me if friend drink, but I'd like the guy I'm dating not to.)

V completely surprised me later that week when he added me on Facebook. I added him back. Then later, he called me, but I wasn't near my phone so I missed his call. The harder I thought about him the less I wanted to talk to him--not because I thought he was an awful person, but because I didn't think we'd click. Basically he ended up calling me once a week consistently for the month of April and I ignored every call. Usually I ended up texting him back giving him some BS reason for why I hadn't called back. One time he actually said, "OK but tag, you're it." He'd put the ball in my court, but I didn't call. I honestly thought that would give him the biggest hint. But still, he ended up calling the next week just like clockwork.

Around this time, I had started using Facebook chat. I logged in one day and he messaged me. Turns out he wasn't so bad. I actually enjoyed talking to him. From that day on, I answered his weekly phone calls. I even invited him to my birthday party. He told me he had something scheduled that day but would try to make it if I promised to dance four dances with him. During this phone call I distinctly remember him saying something to the effect of, "Then you'll see that I'm the guy you're supposed to be with." He didn't exactly finish his statement, it sort of trailed off, but I knew that was what he was going to say. I thought it was weird, but ignored it.

A couple weeks ago things started getting weird. I got a text message from him one day at work asking if I'd left him a message on FB. When I said no and asked why, he said "My parents are setting up an arranged marriage for me and my mom's going through my FB." He's Indian, so it sort of seemed plausible. (Though he had also made it a point during the night we meant to say how NOT Indian he was, which made no sense in this context.) Later that night he called me and said his parents had guessed his password to his FB. They wanted to set him up in a marriage because he's getting old (31) and needs to settle down. On top of that, his parents had FIVE girls waiting for him to choose from. I asked him what he was going to do and he said he didn't want to get married and that he and I should pop out a baby and skip the marriage thing just to appease his parents. Then he laughed and said he was kidding.

Ironically this is probably the closest I've felt to him. I thought that I finally got him to open up to me and that we had a good conversation. The next day I had one less friend on Facebook. By Friday I'd figured out who it was. I immediately texted him to see if everything was OK. I told him I'd seen that we were no longer friends, that his Facebook was deleted and wanted to make sure his parents hadn't gotten the best of him.

(*#&$*&@^#(*$&%$&^%&#^$#@&^!!!!!

The fucker actually texted me back, "What, let me check." That was the last I heard from him. I thought it was odd because usually when we had texted each other during the day, he would call me later on his way home from work. I got no such call. Then I realized that one of his female friends who I'd seen him in pictures with on his profile had viewed my LinkedIn page. In the beginning I saw the pictures of them that looked like they were in a relationship back in March. I figured that if they'd been together that I was a rebound girl or something, which didn't really matter to me at this point because, while I liked him, I didn't really feel like he was going to be my boyfriend anytime soon.

Later that night, I got a message from this girl on FB only saying "hi there..." Even odder. I messaged her back saying hi, and asking who she was. My friends said maybe she was a sister or a good friend. I honestly thought one of his girl friends was checking up on me to make sure I was good enough for her friend.

The weirdest part of all was when I got a call from her during the day on Thursday from this girl. The news she gave me shocked and disgusted me. Apparently the guy who had been hitting on me so persistently, trying to get me to date him was this girl's fucking FIANCE. They are/were scheduled to be married in two months is what she said. It wasn't an arranged marriage and they'd been dating for TWO freaking years. I immediately apologized to her and couldn't stop myself from repeating, "Eww. YUCK." over and over.

I told her everything that had gone on between V and me and she said, "If what you say is true, I have to confront him." I told her if she needed to talk--or anything at all--to let me know. She called an hour or two later saying she'd talked to V and he had denied everything, saying he and I were just friends and that all the talk about his parents trying to arrange a marriage for him was just a conversation we'd had. FUCKING LIAR.

Between quiet sobs, she told me she had to go because she was at work. Again, I repeated that if she needed ANYTHING to give me a call and told her when I got off work. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from her again, but I hope she's able to make a decision she's happy with. I would even go so far as to say I would want to befriend her, of course not if she actually marries V. But fuckin' a if some men don't totally, completely suck.

I'll write about my other lame experiences I've had in a little bit.

Here it goes again

Just when I thought I was done feeling anything for him, he instant messaged me. The first time I saw the message too late and he'd already gone offline. The second time I saw it, but didn't want to see what he'd typed so I opened a bazillion new (empty) tabs in Firefox to push the Gmail chat out of my sight. These are the ridiculous things I do when I don't want to do something or don't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him, but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him. I didn't want to tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again, but part of me wants to remove him permanently from my life.

This is so hard for me for some reason. It shouldn't be hard for me at all--this is the same guy who literally told me he didn't always like our conversations. He refused to call me on the phone! I should take that to mean that he doesn't like to talk to me. That I bore him. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks or so, so obviously he's not missing me. (I refuse to start any conversations with him because of the remark he made about not liking our conversations.)

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I want from him. I respect his opinion regarding musical things, but other than that, I'm not sure how I feel about him as a friend. He and I weren't friends at the end because of the way he treated me. (I know there has to be something I did that was wrong, but I can't think of anything that I did that was as bad as anything that he did.) Logically, my head tells me to sever ties, that there's no reason for me to talk to someone who doesn't want to speak to me. I never believed him when he said he cared about me because his actions never matched his words and the only time he said he cared about me was when I flat out asked him. I used to go around thinking, "I have a boyfriend who doesn't like me," and was depressed because of it. My head says he's a liar but my heart doesn't want to believe it. I'm torn between my head and heart. I hate it.

This morning, fearing if I didn't say anything he'd take it as me ignoring him and then never speak to me again, I emailed him to acknowledge the two times he tried to message me. In his response email he told me that he was coming up here from Thursday till Monday and that he figured he'd say hi. He didn't say he wanted to see me, but why would he "figure [he'd] say hi" if he didn't plan on seeing me? Why even bother telling me at all? He used to tell me I was passive, but that's just as passive. It's like he wants me to tell him I want to see him so he'll get that adored feeling. Why not just flat out ask me if I want to see him?! But I don't even know that he wants to see me. Fuck.

This uncertainty is bringing me right back to where I was before when he would come up, promise to see me, then go back to LA without so much as a phone call or text saying he was leaving. I would always get my hopes up thinking that it would be different, that he would make time for me. Today my hopes were high, despite my trying to bring them down, and he's slowly letting me down again. For the life of me, I can't get it through my head that HE IS NOT GOING TO SEE ME. Really, he's just playing mind games with me. He's setting me up to see him, but then on Monday morning when he leaves he will not have seen me or even spoken to me.

--He emailed me a little while ago and said he's in the East Bay and he's in town to pick something up for work. To me that means he won't be working and that he's got free time, but he still made no mention of seeing me.--

I have this idyllic view of our relationship, this delusional idea that he's going to show up at my doorstep and apologize to my face for all the things he did. For ditching me, betraying me, disrespecting me. Then everything will be wonderful between us. I will be able to be everything he wanted and he will be everything I wanted. Something to erase and fix all this stupid hurt. That's what it is--hurt. It just plain hurts. I really can't be anything with him (friends or otherwise) until I forgive him and move on. I think what's holding me back is that he hasn't asked to be forgiven. He's apologized over instant messenger several times. I will give him that. But that isn't good enough for me. He needs to do it in person like a respectful, decent human being. I need to SEE that he's sorry, not read it. I fucking want to see his sad face for once. We shared at least two seasons with each other and I deserve more than what he's given me.

He even told me that he's not good for me right now. He shouldn't have messaged me if he's not good for me. He knows better. I know better. I shouldn't have emailed him this morning. I was asking for it. Fuck, this feeling sucks. I really just want to give him his stuff back so I don't have to open this wound again by seeing him some other time in the future.

The boy never even loved me.

God damn.

Speechlessness

I played an original song for my voice teacher during my Saturday lesson. It took me a while before I wanted to do it or even felt comfortable thinking about doing it, but I finally forced myself to go through with it. I was a little nervous and ended up skipping a verse, but by the end of the song I looked up from the keyboard and his eyes were watering. I thought it might have been allergies or something, but he looked at me and took note of his wet stare and said something like, "I love it when talent comes through [into his studio]."

Basically the song questions human nature, asking if there wasn't an idea of God, would people still be good. It also touches on betrayal by people and by God. He told me he liked the idea of the song, which made me feel good because the only person I'd played my song for was The Lion and he only heard the music and failed to listen to the lyrics because he never listens to them. I finally felt like someone understands me. I don't feel so apologetic for my song now. It feels liberating in a sense, having shared something I was scared shitless to share.

My battery is running out so I have to post this before it goes out completely. Nighty night.

Duality = Danger

I read through my paper journal this evening. "Duality = Danger" was in an entry from several years ago. Apparently the creepy stalker/sexual harasser man had sent my best friend a Friendster note all those years ago with "Duality = Danger" as the subject line. I'm pretty sure it was in reference to my being a Gemini. He knew there was gonna be trouble. Anyway, I just wanted to mention that because I think it's both stupid and hilarious that he would send my best friend a message with that subject and "Who is this J anyway?" as the message. What normal person contacts someone's friends online when they barely know the person they're asking about? Oy.

God damn.

Our house was robbed this afternoon. They took my PC laptop, guitar, and my digital camera(s). One roommate's laptop and her really expensive digital camera was gone and the other's got her cell phone stolen.

I'm so tired.

Cutting

Seeing as how Brians are no good and Ryans cause grief beyond belief, should I even bother with a Bryan? If it's a combination of the two names would that make it two times worse or would they cancel each other out? I'm only asking because I have a girlie pseudo crush on the lead singer from my new favorite band, whose name happens to be Bryan. He reached out and caressed my hair and face during his wild, antic-filled live show.

I'm just sayin'...

(And just kiddin'.)

(But he really did do that to me during the show.)

I can't take it anymore!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS WOMAN! I WAS THERE TO SEE THIS EXACT PERFORMANCE ON FRIDAY NIGHT. FUCKING PERFECT!

During "Marry Me," she looked directly at me (I was pretty close to the front) and she held eye contact. I just kept smiling and smiling and smiling.

Out of everything, especially it.

I just saw that my last post had been on February 16th and my immediate thought was, "Oh, I posted something tonight?" Seriously, I don't know what's going on anymore. I've been racing around this month picking up best friends from airports, dropping them off, picking them back up, going to SF every single night this week, having house guests for multiple days overlapping each other. Man. I haven't been this busy in my entire life (maybe).

Here's the scoop on my life: My BFFL and I are BFFLs again. She left for Korea on Thursday and we were OK. That same week I went to a music festival in SF from Wednesday till Saturday. I don't know how people can go out every night. I was going to sleep after 3 am and getting up at 8 or 9. I'm in the process of maybe getting sick or maybe not getting sick. I'm still not sure.

The best part about being busy is not having time to sit and think. It's dangerous for me to sit and think. If I were allowed to sit and think, I would probably be churning The Lion through my thoughts constantly and worrying and being sad and upset about all this stuff online I found out about him. Fuck it. I'll probably sometime this week get in touch with him so I can mail him his shit or something. I really don't want it in my room and I want my dvds back that he has. I don't know when he's coming back up here from LA or if he's ever coming. I don't believe anything he says anymore since pretty much all the words out of his mouth to me were lies.

Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. It's more like they were wishes or desires (if we can even call them that). They were things not working out the way he'd hoped they would. They were words voided by circumstance, not by him intentionally lying. HA! See what I'm doing? He doesn't even need to make excuses--he's got me to do it for him. Jessica, when a man guy boy moves 400 miles away from you without telling you, he's just not that into you. When your friends start calling the movie He's Just Not That Into You "The Lion's Just Not That Into You," he's just not that into you. When you go online on the dating site you met him on and see that he's still logging on, not marked as "seeing someone," and has written forum posts about having gone on "a handful of dates" back in November, he's just not that into you. Sure, he's a social creature. Maybe they weren't dates. But fuck it just the same. I'm angry at men. Why are they such douchebags? I didn't do a god damn thing to them so why do they do this shit to me? I certainly don't need to waste any more tears on them than I have already. It's not like they'd do that for me. Fucking mother fuckers.

Simple joys

I've forgotten how much pleasure I get out of singing. These past few months I've been singing as a way to escape, but Saturday afternoon marked my journey into joy. I had my first voice lesson and it was inspiring. The teacher is a man in his late thirties who has a calm, cool seriousness, though not the kind of seriousness I fear. Every so often he flashes a smile that almost makes him look like he feels he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. It's okay to smile and laugh with me--it's what I love most. It's how I connect with people.

I brought in the song "Love Song" to sing since I can finally sing pop music in a voice lesson. I loved the way he looked at me excited after we did vocal exercises and said, "Let's get you on a song!" I can feel that he's genuinely passionate about what he's doing and that gets me excited and inspired. I was getting a good vibe from him so I paid him in advance for three more lessons.

Please stay amazing, voice lessons. I need you right now. Especially now.

Also, my car was broken into

One doesn't look at my car and think, "Now that's a mark of wealth right there." It's obviously older than I am with fading beige paint, and a style reminiscent of the 80s. I don't know what they were thinking when they smashed the back window and broke into my car. There was nothing to take--I've got a cassette player in there for Christ's sake! That should have tipped them off right there. I don't keep anything of value in my car and all that was visible was an old pair of shoes, an umbrella, some maps and a binder. My car is so old that the back window had been discontinued and I had to go to a junk yard to find a replacement. I would never wish this on someone else, but there are cars similar to mine on my street that appear slightly newer and with shinier paint. Why not those cars? Why mine? What did my car ever do to them? What did I ever do to them? I almost let myself cry over this, but there are worse things in the world. Did I tell you my grandfather is in the hospital? People never cease to amaze me.

"Your dream of growth can be a reality."

I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend after having a very inspirational and motivating conversation. When I saw that quote in the subject line of an email I felt even more uplifted and almost opened it.

And then I realized I was in my spam folder.

Funny thing, perspective.

Looking for love in a parked car

Last night I had a dream where I opened the trunk of my car and stuck a check in a clutch wallet, which was supposed to be an ATM, and an unbelievable amount of money came out. I think I was trying to withdraw some money from my account and $100,000 bills started shooting out of it. (Never mind that US dollars don't come in bills worth that much...) I was really surprised that I suddenly had all this money, but I felt like I should do the right thing and return it. I went to the bank and was about to give the teller the money I had when an old friend from high school said hi to me and asked me what was up. I turned to her and flashed the cash, saying, "The ATM machine just gave me all this money! Can you believe it?! I'm here to return it." As soon as the old woman teller heard that, she got high-and-mighty with me, saying that it was wrong for me to flash the money that way and that she was going to have to write me up for it.

(Incidentally, I think the woman playing the role of the teller was the dumb little Mrs. Claus looking woman from the DMV who had given me my first behind-the-wheel driving test. She failed me because I had caused traffic to stop as I was leaving the parking lot. She had no sympathy for me or my incredible nervousness. Occasionally I think about her and what a little witch she was for making me drive even though she knew she was going to fail me. The thing that pissed me off the most was when she fucking grabbed the wheel as I pulled back into the parking lot because she thought I was going to run over the kids who were playing ball in the freaking driveway. I was in complete control and she had no faith in me.)

Okay, so this evil little bank teller woman started droning on about how it wasn't ladylike to do that with money, how it was impolite and uncultured to call attention to my money that way. I really didn't feel like it was a big deal since I'd only shown my friend. But either way, she was going to report me AND put a mark on my credit so that it would make it extra hard or impossible for me to ever get a loan in my life for a house or anything else. She was going to fuck me up just for that fanning of the money, completely ignoring my good intentions of returning it.

Something, I'm not sure what, just sparked my memory of this dream, which I think is pretty symbolic. I went onto a dream dictionary and here are the symbols I found. It's pretty interesting and relevant to my life right now:

To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life.

I'm going to go with the first parked car symbol. Many a friend have been telling me that my relationship situation is like the parked car--going nowhere--and that I'm putting energy into something that will end up being fruitless.

Then we have finding all the money in the car and getting extra money:

To see or win money in your dream, symbolizes that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is frequently a symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.

To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. Additionally, you may be lacking ambition, power and self-esteem.

To give or spend money in you dream, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love.

In the dream I "won"/saw money, lost, and gave it away. I would say that finding money in a parked car would mean (using the symbolism from the dictionary) that I was putting too much effort into love. I'm not sure how the whole confidence thing plays in here. I wouldn't say I'm the most confident person, but the love thing rings true.

I lost the money to the evil bank lady, and I'd say that I feel vulnerable in my situation currently and that my self-esteem has been wavering because of it. However, I find that being in this situation makes me more ambitious because I get mad at the loverboy and want to become successful as a revenge tactic. Not sure if it actually works that way, but in my head it does. (It's the whole "Look what you could've had" thing.) I find it interesting that the bank teller was played by the DMV woman, someone who, in real life, had denied me permission to drive--she wanted to separate me from love.

Of course my giving the money back could very well be my giving of love. It is true that I'm looking for love. Just like any other person I want to love and be loved; I'd even go so far as to say it's the main thing I want right now. I want a boyfriend who is my best friend before he is my boyfriend, but things don't always work out that way. (Did I tell you he moved to LA?) I could've easily kept all the money for myself in the dream, but I wanted to give it back and then got fucked over for doing so. In the end I should've just kept it and bought myself a vacation to every country in the world so I could find myself the perfect dream man.

I feel incredibly silly.

I'm just a silly girl is all.

In an interesting turn of events, my best friend in Korea is coming to visit me. I am not the kind of friend who would make her stay at a hostel like she suggested. I don't think I ever told the Korea story in its entirety just because of the sensitivity of the situation. Long story short: the trip I took there was emotional and hostile. The trip she will make out here will be nothing of the sort.

I get myself into odd situations on a regular basis. Maybe that should've been a New Year resolution--to stop that.

On a happy note, I have friends in the singing group. I went out dinnering and dancing in San Francisco Friday night with those friendly people who I'm beginning to really appreciate. I was late because SF parking is impossible and the leader guy, E, actually left the restaurant to find and escort me to the restaurant. How sweet is that? And when we finally arrived, H, the guy who flirts a lot, immediately complimented me on my purse lol. He also gave me a present that I can't disclose 'cause I've been sworn to secrecy. (It was a nice gift though, just know this.)

During the dancing portion of the night H "dancenapped" me and I was really embarrassed. Imagine this--guys who actually ENJOY dancing!(!!!) After a drink (of WATER!) I went back out with the other shy girl and cut a rug so to speak. (No, not that kinda rug!) That's when H danced again with me. (I don't dance well with others, mainly from lack of experience.) He kept complimenting my dancing which made me laugh because I don't consider myself a dancer anymore. "You've been practicing in your room!" Very fun people. I truly dig them.

It's after 1:30am and my resolution to go to sleep early ain't working so well. However, I did do the scary thing and went to dinner and dancing AND drove to SF that Friday night, so I count that as a score for my team. (Outings make me nervous, lord only knows why.)

So that's it for now. I love my dovies!

791

Today at work I logged into my online bank account and found charges amounting to $791 made to my debit/credit card. They were in chunks of about 350 and 400 dollars and a couple smaller charges. I'm pretty good about saving my money and never spend that much and A.) Forget about it or B.) Have it not go to pay car insurance or something practical. I called the bank and they said all the charges were made from two different airlines. I immediately had the bank assistant cancel the card and file a claim because obviously if I had planned a trip or two for myself, chances are I would have let myself in on it. So basically some mother fucker stole my credit card number and fucking bought himself a vacation.

The thing is, I still have my card so it's not like I left it somewhere or someone stole it from me. I am always careful online and never make purchases from online stores that I don't trust so I don't think I was phished or scammed somehow. The only things I really ever buy online are concert tickets or stuff from Amazon and I haven't bought anything online in a while. And I always keep my receipts from grocery stores, etc., even if it only shows the last four digits of the credit card number. The only thing that I've done differently is pay by credit card to the locksmith who opened my door for me. Since he couldn't swipe it, he did the carbon paper and crayon method. (Is that thing even a crayon?) I'm not blaming him for it, but it had the entire number and my name on the receipt. Maybe my address too. (Or at least the company knew my address.) My roommate said maybe the locksmith lost their copy of the receipt and someone got a hold of it that way. My dad offered that someone might have sold the number. I don't know what to think. Right now I'm just concerned about getting up early enough in the morning so I have time to go to the bank and get some cash out so I can pay for stuff for seven to ten business days until I get my new card.

Arg.

O9

This morning as I drove to work, I caught a glimpse of the marquee of a local independent movie theater. It had more text on it than usual, which is what caught my eye. Instead of movie titles, it had a note saying something to the effect of "The national disaster will finally be over on January 20. Good luck Obama." I don't consider myself an overly political person, but something about that note made me start crying right there in my car. I'm so happy for Obama, not just as a President (elect), but as a person. I can't even explain it. So really: good luck to him and good luck to us.

Reconnecting

My former co-worker, D, contacted me tonight over IM and asked me for my phone number so he could put it in his new phone. We talked for a while. He sent me some clips of the music he's going to be putting on his next album. I admire the fact that he's writing and putting a lot of effort into his music. One funny thing he told me tonight was, "When I meet girls, they like me. When they find out I do music, they LOVE me." It really cracked me up. I asked him if it worked the same way--if a girl does music, do guys like them more? He said it depends on the guy and if they like that sort of thing.

As for myself, I like a guy more when I learn he's a musician (but only if he's a GOOD musician--just because he can strum a few chords doesn't mean he's a musician). I always thought I liked them more because it meant we had something in common. Now I'm just wondering if I like them more just because they're a musician. I'm pretty sure I'm not that kind of girl because I can distinguish between good and bad musicians. I remember back in my CIS days, I'd immediately like a guy more if I knew he was studying computer science. It's interesting how we're attracted to different people for different reasons.

That's me going into tangent mode because it's got nothing to do with D. But back to D: He checks in with me from time to time and it's nice. I'm glad he wanted my phone number in his phone. He's a good guy to have around and his energy and focus is oftentimes contagious. If we ever get an office for my company, I wish he'd come back and visit or work for a while with us. He's coming back in February, so I'll be happy to see him back. One more friend in the city.

"You so obviously watch the Disney Channel."

Words straight out of the BF's mouth lol. I had no idea I radiated Disney, despite the fact that I'm sitting here wearing Eeyore pajama pants. (My mom picked them out for me as a Christmas present. Somehow Eeyore reminds her of me.) I guess this whole Disney feeling's been going on for a while because he also told me he didn't believe when I said I was only kidding about wanting to be Hannah Montana for Halloween. I totally was though! :-)

"He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more."

I can't say I've seen anything quite like the Museum of Broken Relationships before. It's a touring exhibit of gifts given from one lover to another, but only items from failed relationships are accepted. The web site has pictures of the gifts along with the story of what happened. The tokens of love range from fuzzy handcuffs to a wedding dress to underwear to a bag of dirt. The one that made me laugh was a cell phone with the description: "He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more." What. a. dog. Then there was a bowl for kneading bread that a man had given to his wife because he thought bread kneading was erotic. (Although she said she was only wearing an apron while she was doing it, so...) The most impressive one of all was the story of the axe: A woman left on a business trip and came back to find that her girlfriend had left her for another woman. While the two love birds had run off on a vacation, the dumpee took an axe to all her ex-girlfriend's furniture.

I've had my fair share of fiery moments during relationships, but I never needed to take an axe to anything. One person who I don't even want to claim as ever having been my boyfriend used to give me his old computer science books. He'd also try to pawn off his stupid old crusty computer parts. (I don't actually know that they were crusty, but Lord only knows what he'd done with them. He actually used to refer to the way he touched his computers as "fondling" them. Yeah, I know. What the fuck was I thinking? And what the fuck did he think I was going to do with his lame ass network cards?!) He actually got pissed at me every time I'd tell him I didn't want his stuff. He said it was rude of me not to accept his gifts!

You know, come to think of it, he was always trying to give me his old stuff or someone else's old stuff. He'd go to the CD store and get me used CDs of his favorite music then get mad if I'd say anything critical of it. Then he got me a CD I already had--one that I'd told him I'd gotten. He really, really sucked. I will admit to liking ONE thing that he got me, which was thoughtful: a songwriting book. That was nice. But all the other stuff was shit, which is why I sold everything I could on Amazon when it was over lol. Had this exhibit been running all those years ago, I would've donated it to them.

Lordy Lord, it's late. It's late enough that Pastor Melissa Scott is now preaching on channel 4.

Time to pretend to go to bed now, my lovey doveys. Good night :-)

Take it off! Let's see that flesh!

I came up with the resolutions list from the previous entry pretty quickly because I've been wanting to change these things about myself for a while. Some of them will be harder than others, but I do find each of them to be a challenge. For some of them I'm looking at them thinking, "Oh shit!," but I'll try my best to get them accomplished. Here they are all fleshed out:

1. Stop being late - Whenever I talk to my mom about being late for something and being in a hurry because of it, she tells me, "You're never in a hurry." She says that not because I'm never late, but because I never hurry when I'm late. I always argue that I always hurry, I just keep thinking of things to do and think I can do them in the amount of time I've allotted myself to get ready. It's gotten so bad that I show up 30-60 minutes late for work every day. Luckily I work at a start-up where it's pretty lax and I always put in my 8 hours. Starting now I'm making an effort to arrive on time for work and other events.


2. Improve my memory - I think I'm going to add "Work on being more focused" to this one. Maybe it's a Gemini thing, but my mind is constantly going and I find it hard to remember anything--mostly things I've done. I remember broad ideas or things I've read, but I find it really hard to remember things I did or why I did them and certain details. My bf has told me before that I go off on tangents. Or that I'm in one of my "tangent modes." I also have trouble concentrating on one thing long enough to actually get it done. Like it may take me a few days to write a blog for my job because I'll write a paragraph, have to think for a while, then go off and do Web work, then do something else then get back to my blog. It's ridiculous. I need to focus. Not sure how I'm going to do this, but I think games/puzzles are supposed to help, so I will research it.
   


3. Write more often - This goes for both work, journals, and songwriting. I'm a Gemini--communication is my forte. I need to start acting like it. It really is what I want to do, so I need to stop procrastinating waiting for perfection and get out whatever will come out then edit later.
   


4. Scare myself on a regular basis - How am I going to grow if I don't shit my pants every once in a while? Seriously. (Well, maybe not seriously...) I went caroling several days in December and that was a really brave thing for me to have done. I met people on Craigslist, which was frightening to me and then I went around singing all over San Francisco for 7 hours at a time with a group of (at most) 7 or 8 people. With two people on one part, it can feel naked and when I was the only girl singing on the last day, I felt even nakeder. I need to do more performing because I think that's the ultimate frightening thing for me. But I won't limit it to performing because that will take a while for me, so driving in San Francisco and/or Oakland, meeting new people, visiting new towns, etc. Those kinds of things are also on the list. I'm such a homebody these days it's ridiculous. I moved here so I could go DO things. This also leads into #5...
   


5. Stick up for myself - I have a habit of letting people make decisions and going along with it because I don't have an opinion one way or another. If it's something I truly care about, I'll fight it all the way. No one's ever rude to me so I don't need to stick up for myself in that respect, but sometimes things happen and I wonder why I don't visibly/vocally react when I get riled up. Maybe for fear that I'd blush? I don't know. I used to blush all the time. Now I don't so much, but occasionally it'll creep in. NO MORE DOING WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO AND NO MORE LETTING PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
   


6. Talk louder - Recently I've noticed my Virgo rising has been causing me to talk in an almost whisper. It really bugs me. I'm not soft spoken necessarily, but I come off that way. From now on I will speak not from the diaphragm, but from the BALLS (O' STEEL). Either that or the vagina. Whichever feels more powerful at the time. (I was wondering how long I'd be able to go in this journal before using the word "vagina"...)
   


7. Go to sleep early - I'm a night owl, but if I really want to be awake by 8 am so I can start getting to work on time, I'm aiming for a bedtime of at least 1 am. I think it's a good, round time that I can work with. Plus, it's nice to have sleep so I don't have to slap myself in the face at work to keep myself awake.
   


8. Don't get so worked up and worried about things - This one will be extremely hard. Maybe I'll need to meditate...or possibly even medicate. There are nights when I can't sleep because I'm worried or angry or both. The other night I stayed up till past 4am. I really think it helps me when I'm having my "mind races" to turn the TV on and fall asleep with it on. It makes my mind slow down and concentrate on something else. For now that's the only thing that works, but I'll have to research some better methods.
   


9. Be healthier - I already eat organic and usually stay away from artificial colors and flavors and preservatives, but I need to eat more vegetables. And take my vitamins. I'm going to start. Oh, and drink more liquids too.
   


10. Practice music more often - I just got an email from the leader of the caroling group and it turns out everyone wants to keep singing! It's going to be a year round thing! So now it's built in that I WILL be practicing more. My dreamy dreams are coming true! But before I got the email, I decided to practice my vocal exercises several times a week and join at least one singing group.
    

New Year Resolutions (in no particular order)

I'll flesh these babies out later when it's not so 3:52 am-ish:

1. Stop being so goddam late all the time
2. Improve memory
3. Write more often
4. Do some stuff that scares the shit out of me (driving in SF, performing, etc)
5. Stick up for myself without blushing
6. Speak with a louder voice so as to frighten people
7. Go to sleep at a decent bedtime
8. Don't get worked up about the little things that end up affecting #7
   
9. Be healthier
10. Practice music more often. In fact, practice music way too often.
    

Who locked the door? 1 2 3 not me!

Aw, I just scrolled down to the bottom of my journal looking for the Post New Entry link. JS style. I've gotta remember that Blogger has it up at the top.

Before I forget this weirdness I'm experiencing, I want to write it down.

I went back home for Christmas and I think I even left reasonably early. (Usually I'm late for everything I do--I'll talk about this in a New Years Resolution entry or something because I'm resolving to stop that.) The thing is, I don't remember rushing. I do remember going back up for my umbrella after I'd packed stuff away in my car, but I don't remember locking my bedroom door or leaving the light on in my room. After seven months of living here, I have never once locked my room door. The main reason being because it has no key. It's a regular door lock--one you'd find in an office or something--not one you'd find on a bathroom that can be unlocked from the outside with a screwdriver. What I'm saying is there's no easy way to get in without some serious picking. But I came home from my Christmas vacation and it was locked.

I called the locksmith to open it and I remember running up the steps to my room so I could give him the new doorknob. (Back when the creepy roommate was around and we suspected him of going into our rooms when we were gone during the day--which he was--I had purchased a new doorknob with a set of keys so I could lock it if need be. I just never got around to putting it on because the roommate was caught and kicked out soon after.) If I remember correctly, it appeared to be daylight in my room when I ran up to get the doorknob. The thing is, I have thick fleece blankets covering my windows to keep the heat in and it's always dark in my room, no matter what time of day. I don't think I would have run so quickly up the stairs if it had been dark. Then again, I could be remembering incorrectly. I wasn't paying close attention. Maybe I did flip the light on.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because, although nothing was missing, it's really out of character for me to leave my bedroom light on when I leave the room and even more strange that I would have locked my door knowing full well the consequences of doing so. Just a few minutes ago I opened my closet and saw an open space on one of the shelves. I never have empty space in my closet because it's the only place I have to store anything and I make good use of it. Unfortunately I can't remember what was there in that space to decide whether or not anything was taken.

Nothing in the house was messed with and there was no sign of forced entry anywhere, so all I can chalk it up to is me being flaky as I was leaving that afternoon for home. Maybe I should add "paying attention to what I'm doing when I'm doing it" to my list o' resolutions.

Multimedia message experimentation

Just testing out the blogging by email feature.

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This is my backyard, btw.