There are only so many people who understand.
(One.)
I either need to believe-----------------
Or I need not to believe.
Hyphens make me feel so much more dramatic and emphasassy.
I don't know about all this Catholicism. All this God in my head. I'm afraid to believe and I'm afraid not to believe. Sometimes at night on the weekends, I'll talk myself into believing there are ghosts behind me who move quickly as I turn my head to see if they're actually there. It's perfect. No one to save me. I'm excellent at scaring myself. And scarring myself. If God exists, Catechism tells me the ghosts do, too. You can't have God without the demons. Hum a little hymn. Take the God with the bad.
As of late, all I can handle is a Hail Mary as I psych myself to sleep. A woman wouldn't hurt me, but a man on the other hand...
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P.S. What do all the Christianities have against Mary, anyway? Jealous much?
February 14, 2012
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All I know is, long after I stopped believing in God (and then went back to sorta vaguely believing in some big, Goddish thing/stuff, then came back to being an atheist), I always found comfort in images of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Maybe that's because I'm a Mama's boy. It's not quite the same since Mom died. The other stuff, I don't know. Not that you were asking me specifically, but it's the kind of thing I've gone over in my mind a lot over the years. I used to have a real thirst for God, (to paraphrase some poet or rabbi) and while my scientific knowledge isn't anywhere near what it should be, meditations like this have helped to fill that void:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5t_a0dXn-g
Shoot, I gave you the URL. This one's the original. Longer and better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6w2M50_Xdk&feature=youtu.be
Delete*wrong* URL. Sorry. I'll stop now, before I overload your comments section with corrections even if this one is kumpletely scrooed upp.
DeleteI think you're the only other person I know who knows what its like to be pulled around in different directions by relion. I apologize for any typose bc I'm typing on my phone. I'm goihng to watch the video now. Thanks for pointing me to it.
ReplyDelete