New singing video

I've been too busy and unmotivated to share my dating disaster stories right now (I really just want to stop thinking about dating altogether if I can). So instead, here's a video of me playing my new ukulele. :-)

Kind of breakthrough

I'm in a singing group. I mentioned this before, right? So we sang last week--four sets at various classy retirement homes in San Francisco. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt at ease singing for people. In fact, I really enjoyed it. I've never been able to fully grasp the "singing for others can be a gift to them" concept, but I understood it a little more when I saw the looks on the seniors' faces. To me I've always thought thinking someone else would enjoy the sound I create was the arrogant way to think, but I do get joy out of hearing other people sing, so why not? So I guess I've had a kind of breakthrough. Just wanted to mention it before I forgot.

More stories of dating disasters to come. I've got some doozies.

Speechlessness

I played an original song for my voice teacher during my Saturday lesson. It took me a while before I wanted to do it or even felt comfortable thinking about doing it, but I finally forced myself to go through with it. I was a little nervous and ended up skipping a verse, but by the end of the song I looked up from the keyboard and his eyes were watering. I thought it might have been allergies or something, but he looked at me and took note of his wet stare and said something like, "I love it when talent comes through [into his studio]."

Basically the song questions human nature, asking if there wasn't an idea of God, would people still be good. It also touches on betrayal by people and by God. He told me he liked the idea of the song, which made me feel good because the only person I'd played my song for was The Lion and he only heard the music and failed to listen to the lyrics because he never listens to them. I finally felt like someone understands me. I don't feel so apologetic for my song now. It feels liberating in a sense, having shared something I was scared shitless to share.

My battery is running out so I have to post this before it goes out completely. Nighty night.

Take it off! Let's see that flesh!

I came up with the resolutions list from the previous entry pretty quickly because I've been wanting to change these things about myself for a while. Some of them will be harder than others, but I do find each of them to be a challenge. For some of them I'm looking at them thinking, "Oh shit!," but I'll try my best to get them accomplished. Here they are all fleshed out:

1. Stop being late - Whenever I talk to my mom about being late for something and being in a hurry because of it, she tells me, "You're never in a hurry." She says that not because I'm never late, but because I never hurry when I'm late. I always argue that I always hurry, I just keep thinking of things to do and think I can do them in the amount of time I've allotted myself to get ready. It's gotten so bad that I show up 30-60 minutes late for work every day. Luckily I work at a start-up where it's pretty lax and I always put in my 8 hours. Starting now I'm making an effort to arrive on time for work and other events.


2. Improve my memory - I think I'm going to add "Work on being more focused" to this one. Maybe it's a Gemini thing, but my mind is constantly going and I find it hard to remember anything--mostly things I've done. I remember broad ideas or things I've read, but I find it really hard to remember things I did or why I did them and certain details. My bf has told me before that I go off on tangents. Or that I'm in one of my "tangent modes." I also have trouble concentrating on one thing long enough to actually get it done. Like it may take me a few days to write a blog for my job because I'll write a paragraph, have to think for a while, then go off and do Web work, then do something else then get back to my blog. It's ridiculous. I need to focus. Not sure how I'm going to do this, but I think games/puzzles are supposed to help, so I will research it.
   


3. Write more often - This goes for both work, journals, and songwriting. I'm a Gemini--communication is my forte. I need to start acting like it. It really is what I want to do, so I need to stop procrastinating waiting for perfection and get out whatever will come out then edit later.
   


4. Scare myself on a regular basis - How am I going to grow if I don't shit my pants every once in a while? Seriously. (Well, maybe not seriously...) I went caroling several days in December and that was a really brave thing for me to have done. I met people on Craigslist, which was frightening to me and then I went around singing all over San Francisco for 7 hours at a time with a group of (at most) 7 or 8 people. With two people on one part, it can feel naked and when I was the only girl singing on the last day, I felt even nakeder. I need to do more performing because I think that's the ultimate frightening thing for me. But I won't limit it to performing because that will take a while for me, so driving in San Francisco and/or Oakland, meeting new people, visiting new towns, etc. Those kinds of things are also on the list. I'm such a homebody these days it's ridiculous. I moved here so I could go DO things. This also leads into #5...
   


5. Stick up for myself - I have a habit of letting people make decisions and going along with it because I don't have an opinion one way or another. If it's something I truly care about, I'll fight it all the way. No one's ever rude to me so I don't need to stick up for myself in that respect, but sometimes things happen and I wonder why I don't visibly/vocally react when I get riled up. Maybe for fear that I'd blush? I don't know. I used to blush all the time. Now I don't so much, but occasionally it'll creep in. NO MORE DOING WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO AND NO MORE LETTING PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
   


6. Talk louder - Recently I've noticed my Virgo rising has been causing me to talk in an almost whisper. It really bugs me. I'm not soft spoken necessarily, but I come off that way. From now on I will speak not from the diaphragm, but from the BALLS (O' STEEL). Either that or the vagina. Whichever feels more powerful at the time. (I was wondering how long I'd be able to go in this journal before using the word "vagina"...)
   


7. Go to sleep early - I'm a night owl, but if I really want to be awake by 8 am so I can start getting to work on time, I'm aiming for a bedtime of at least 1 am. I think it's a good, round time that I can work with. Plus, it's nice to have sleep so I don't have to slap myself in the face at work to keep myself awake.
   


8. Don't get so worked up and worried about things - This one will be extremely hard. Maybe I'll need to meditate...or possibly even medicate. There are nights when I can't sleep because I'm worried or angry or both. The other night I stayed up till past 4am. I really think it helps me when I'm having my "mind races" to turn the TV on and fall asleep with it on. It makes my mind slow down and concentrate on something else. For now that's the only thing that works, but I'll have to research some better methods.
   


9. Be healthier - I already eat organic and usually stay away from artificial colors and flavors and preservatives, but I need to eat more vegetables. And take my vitamins. I'm going to start. Oh, and drink more liquids too.
   


10. Practice music more often - I just got an email from the leader of the caroling group and it turns out everyone wants to keep singing! It's going to be a year round thing! So now it's built in that I WILL be practicing more. My dreamy dreams are coming true! But before I got the email, I decided to practice my vocal exercises several times a week and join at least one singing group.
    

New Year Resolutions (in no particular order)

I'll flesh these babies out later when it's not so 3:52 am-ish:

1. Stop being so goddam late all the time
2. Improve memory
3. Write more often
4. Do some stuff that scares the shit out of me (driving in SF, performing, etc)
5. Stick up for myself without blushing
6. Speak with a louder voice so as to frighten people
7. Go to sleep at a decent bedtime
8. Don't get worked up about the little things that end up affecting #7
   
9. Be healthier
10. Practice music more often. In fact, practice music way too often.
    

Who locked the door? 1 2 3 not me!

Aw, I just scrolled down to the bottom of my journal looking for the Post New Entry link. JS style. I've gotta remember that Blogger has it up at the top.

Before I forget this weirdness I'm experiencing, I want to write it down.

I went back home for Christmas and I think I even left reasonably early. (Usually I'm late for everything I do--I'll talk about this in a New Years Resolution entry or something because I'm resolving to stop that.) The thing is, I don't remember rushing. I do remember going back up for my umbrella after I'd packed stuff away in my car, but I don't remember locking my bedroom door or leaving the light on in my room. After seven months of living here, I have never once locked my room door. The main reason being because it has no key. It's a regular door lock--one you'd find in an office or something--not one you'd find on a bathroom that can be unlocked from the outside with a screwdriver. What I'm saying is there's no easy way to get in without some serious picking. But I came home from my Christmas vacation and it was locked.

I called the locksmith to open it and I remember running up the steps to my room so I could give him the new doorknob. (Back when the creepy roommate was around and we suspected him of going into our rooms when we were gone during the day--which he was--I had purchased a new doorknob with a set of keys so I could lock it if need be. I just never got around to putting it on because the roommate was caught and kicked out soon after.) If I remember correctly, it appeared to be daylight in my room when I ran up to get the doorknob. The thing is, I have thick fleece blankets covering my windows to keep the heat in and it's always dark in my room, no matter what time of day. I don't think I would have run so quickly up the stairs if it had been dark. Then again, I could be remembering incorrectly. I wasn't paying close attention. Maybe I did flip the light on.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because, although nothing was missing, it's really out of character for me to leave my bedroom light on when I leave the room and even more strange that I would have locked my door knowing full well the consequences of doing so. Just a few minutes ago I opened my closet and saw an open space on one of the shelves. I never have empty space in my closet because it's the only place I have to store anything and I make good use of it. Unfortunately I can't remember what was there in that space to decide whether or not anything was taken.

Nothing in the house was messed with and there was no sign of forced entry anywhere, so all I can chalk it up to is me being flaky as I was leaving that afternoon for home. Maybe I should add "paying attention to what I'm doing when I'm doing it" to my list o' resolutions.