Dreams about the Lion

The Lion is my former boyfriend. The one who moved to LA without telling me, constantly ditched me, refused to talk to me on the phone because he said he didn't like our conversations, was meeting other girls on dating sites while we were dating (Lord only knows what he was doing with them), etc etc etc. Today I saw that the band he's running sound for is coming to play a show in my city. I immediately felt knots in my stomach. I'm tempted to go to the show just to see him. We haven't spoken in about a year, but I can't stop thinking about him. At this point, he's really just a stranger to me, but a stranger who caused me incredible amounts of pain and emotional bruising. I can still cry about the way things ended between us. I felt used, betrayed, and belittled.

Now I'm sort of with someone else. I'm hesitant to let him call me his girlfriend just because I don't want to have to deal with all the shit a relationship entails. I get too emotionally tied to these people and relationships end up being more stressful than beneficial to me (typically). However, I do like this guy I'm with now. It was weird because I had a really awful thing happen in November. One might use the word "fiasco" to describe it. Let's just say that I dated a guy who gave me the biggest scare of my life. He didn't do anything horrible to me or anything, but I thought something had happened to me that couldn't be undone. I'm being really cryptic right now because I don't want to say what it was, but everything's OK.

ANYWAY, after the November thing happened, I was completely worn out. 2009 was a HORRIBLE dating year for me and it ended with a bang. It was at that point that I decided to come to terms with ending up being an old maid. I didn't want to have anything to do with any guy ever again. The only way anything would happen would be if the guy was a friend first. I have a history of dating guys who are not my friends, and I think that's where it goes wrong. I want to be friends with the guy I'm dating. I act differently when I'm with a guy I'm dating. I'm not myself because I'm trying to impress him. At that point in November/December, I started to pray that my next boyfriend would be a friend first. That's when he asked me out.

At first I didn't even know it was a date, until he tried to kiss me. He and I have known each other for about 3 years or so, only getting to know each other a lot better back in April. He's almost 5 years younger than me, which is the same as my younger sister, so I always put him in the same category as my sister's friends--the "never gonna happen" category. And to be honest, I always thought he was really good looking in the kind of way that I wouldn't be his type because he could get hotter girls, but it turns out I am his type.

I don't know how long he's liked me, but he certainly kept it quiet. I ended up turning him down immediately when he tried to kiss me and as I hung out with him more later, I ended up regretting it. I kept hoping that he'd ask me again, and he did. Two more times. I brushed him off one of the times and then the last time, finally gave in. I'm always so resistant to starting anything with guys and I'm not sure why. I know that he's not the kind of guy who would just try to get in my pants, and I completely trust him.

I really don't know what else to say. He and I are together now, with me still trying to figure out what I want us to be. My favorite thing about him is that he doesn't want to push me into anything. Also, while The Lion lived in LA and would never see me when he came up to visit while we were still going out, this new one, who also lives in LA right now, comes up and sees me every time he's here.

I don't know. They can't really be compared. Thank God.

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I'm so scattered. I meant this entry to be about a dream I had about The Lion. Long story short: I dreamt he was in town and I ran into him. Even though I was standing right in front of him, he STILL wouldn't make time to see me. I woke up wanting to talk to him. Somehow I was at peace with him in that dream, because I did get to tell him what I was feeling at least a little bit before he went off to do whatever it was he was going to do. I hate carrying around all this negative energy toward him. I don't know how to get rid of it unless I talk to him and get on friendly terms. It's just my feelings and my ego get in the way. I think I need to read some Pablo Neruda now. Or Bukowski. But most likely Neruda. Bukowski'd just put me in an I-hate-love mood.

Good night.