Here it goes again

Just when I thought I was done feeling anything for him, he instant messaged me. The first time I saw the message too late and he'd already gone offline. The second time I saw it, but didn't want to see what he'd typed so I opened a bazillion new (empty) tabs in Firefox to push the Gmail chat out of my sight. These are the ridiculous things I do when I don't want to do something or don't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to him, but I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him. I didn't want to tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again, but part of me wants to remove him permanently from my life.

This is so hard for me for some reason. It shouldn't be hard for me at all--this is the same guy who literally told me he didn't always like our conversations. He refused to call me on the phone! I should take that to mean that he doesn't like to talk to me. That I bore him. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks or so, so obviously he's not missing me. (I refuse to start any conversations with him because of the remark he made about not liking our conversations.)

Anyway, I'm not really sure what I want from him. I respect his opinion regarding musical things, but other than that, I'm not sure how I feel about him as a friend. He and I weren't friends at the end because of the way he treated me. (I know there has to be something I did that was wrong, but I can't think of anything that I did that was as bad as anything that he did.) Logically, my head tells me to sever ties, that there's no reason for me to talk to someone who doesn't want to speak to me. I never believed him when he said he cared about me because his actions never matched his words and the only time he said he cared about me was when I flat out asked him. I used to go around thinking, "I have a boyfriend who doesn't like me," and was depressed because of it. My head says he's a liar but my heart doesn't want to believe it. I'm torn between my head and heart. I hate it.

This morning, fearing if I didn't say anything he'd take it as me ignoring him and then never speak to me again, I emailed him to acknowledge the two times he tried to message me. In his response email he told me that he was coming up here from Thursday till Monday and that he figured he'd say hi. He didn't say he wanted to see me, but why would he "figure [he'd] say hi" if he didn't plan on seeing me? Why even bother telling me at all? He used to tell me I was passive, but that's just as passive. It's like he wants me to tell him I want to see him so he'll get that adored feeling. Why not just flat out ask me if I want to see him?! But I don't even know that he wants to see me. Fuck.

This uncertainty is bringing me right back to where I was before when he would come up, promise to see me, then go back to LA without so much as a phone call or text saying he was leaving. I would always get my hopes up thinking that it would be different, that he would make time for me. Today my hopes were high, despite my trying to bring them down, and he's slowly letting me down again. For the life of me, I can't get it through my head that HE IS NOT GOING TO SEE ME. Really, he's just playing mind games with me. He's setting me up to see him, but then on Monday morning when he leaves he will not have seen me or even spoken to me.

--He emailed me a little while ago and said he's in the East Bay and he's in town to pick something up for work. To me that means he won't be working and that he's got free time, but he still made no mention of seeing me.--

I have this idyllic view of our relationship, this delusional idea that he's going to show up at my doorstep and apologize to my face for all the things he did. For ditching me, betraying me, disrespecting me. Then everything will be wonderful between us. I will be able to be everything he wanted and he will be everything I wanted. Something to erase and fix all this stupid hurt. That's what it is--hurt. It just plain hurts. I really can't be anything with him (friends or otherwise) until I forgive him and move on. I think what's holding me back is that he hasn't asked to be forgiven. He's apologized over instant messenger several times. I will give him that. But that isn't good enough for me. He needs to do it in person like a respectful, decent human being. I need to SEE that he's sorry, not read it. I fucking want to see his sad face for once. We shared at least two seasons with each other and I deserve more than what he's given me.

He even told me that he's not good for me right now. He shouldn't have messaged me if he's not good for me. He knows better. I know better. I shouldn't have emailed him this morning. I was asking for it. Fuck, this feeling sucks. I really just want to give him his stuff back so I don't have to open this wound again by seeing him some other time in the future.

The boy never even loved me.

God damn.

Speechlessness

I played an original song for my voice teacher during my Saturday lesson. It took me a while before I wanted to do it or even felt comfortable thinking about doing it, but I finally forced myself to go through with it. I was a little nervous and ended up skipping a verse, but by the end of the song I looked up from the keyboard and his eyes were watering. I thought it might have been allergies or something, but he looked at me and took note of his wet stare and said something like, "I love it when talent comes through [into his studio]."

Basically the song questions human nature, asking if there wasn't an idea of God, would people still be good. It also touches on betrayal by people and by God. He told me he liked the idea of the song, which made me feel good because the only person I'd played my song for was The Lion and he only heard the music and failed to listen to the lyrics because he never listens to them. I finally felt like someone understands me. I don't feel so apologetic for my song now. It feels liberating in a sense, having shared something I was scared shitless to share.

My battery is running out so I have to post this before it goes out completely. Nighty night.

Duality = Danger

I read through my paper journal this evening. "Duality = Danger" was in an entry from several years ago. Apparently the creepy stalker/sexual harasser man had sent my best friend a Friendster note all those years ago with "Duality = Danger" as the subject line. I'm pretty sure it was in reference to my being a Gemini. He knew there was gonna be trouble. Anyway, I just wanted to mention that because I think it's both stupid and hilarious that he would send my best friend a message with that subject and "Who is this J anyway?" as the message. What normal person contacts someone's friends online when they barely know the person they're asking about? Oy.

God damn.

Our house was robbed this afternoon. They took my PC laptop, guitar, and my digital camera(s). One roommate's laptop and her really expensive digital camera was gone and the other's got her cell phone stolen.

I'm so tired.

Cutting

Seeing as how Brians are no good and Ryans cause grief beyond belief, should I even bother with a Bryan? If it's a combination of the two names would that make it two times worse or would they cancel each other out? I'm only asking because I have a girlie pseudo crush on the lead singer from my new favorite band, whose name happens to be Bryan. He reached out and caressed my hair and face during his wild, antic-filled live show.

I'm just sayin'...

(And just kiddin'.)

(But he really did do that to me during the show.)

I can't take it anymore!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS WOMAN! I WAS THERE TO SEE THIS EXACT PERFORMANCE ON FRIDAY NIGHT. FUCKING PERFECT!

During "Marry Me," she looked directly at me (I was pretty close to the front) and she held eye contact. I just kept smiling and smiling and smiling.

Out of everything, especially it.

I just saw that my last post had been on February 16th and my immediate thought was, "Oh, I posted something tonight?" Seriously, I don't know what's going on anymore. I've been racing around this month picking up best friends from airports, dropping them off, picking them back up, going to SF every single night this week, having house guests for multiple days overlapping each other. Man. I haven't been this busy in my entire life (maybe).

Here's the scoop on my life: My BFFL and I are BFFLs again. She left for Korea on Thursday and we were OK. That same week I went to a music festival in SF from Wednesday till Saturday. I don't know how people can go out every night. I was going to sleep after 3 am and getting up at 8 or 9. I'm in the process of maybe getting sick or maybe not getting sick. I'm still not sure.

The best part about being busy is not having time to sit and think. It's dangerous for me to sit and think. If I were allowed to sit and think, I would probably be churning The Lion through my thoughts constantly and worrying and being sad and upset about all this stuff online I found out about him. Fuck it. I'll probably sometime this week get in touch with him so I can mail him his shit or something. I really don't want it in my room and I want my dvds back that he has. I don't know when he's coming back up here from LA or if he's ever coming. I don't believe anything he says anymore since pretty much all the words out of his mouth to me were lies.

Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. It's more like they were wishes or desires (if we can even call them that). They were things not working out the way he'd hoped they would. They were words voided by circumstance, not by him intentionally lying. HA! See what I'm doing? He doesn't even need to make excuses--he's got me to do it for him. Jessica, when a man guy boy moves 400 miles away from you without telling you, he's just not that into you. When your friends start calling the movie He's Just Not That Into You "The Lion's Just Not That Into You," he's just not that into you. When you go online on the dating site you met him on and see that he's still logging on, not marked as "seeing someone," and has written forum posts about having gone on "a handful of dates" back in November, he's just not that into you. Sure, he's a social creature. Maybe they weren't dates. But fuck it just the same. I'm angry at men. Why are they such douchebags? I didn't do a god damn thing to them so why do they do this shit to me? I certainly don't need to waste any more tears on them than I have already. It's not like they'd do that for me. Fucking mother fuckers.

Simple joys

I've forgotten how much pleasure I get out of singing. These past few months I've been singing as a way to escape, but Saturday afternoon marked my journey into joy. I had my first voice lesson and it was inspiring. The teacher is a man in his late thirties who has a calm, cool seriousness, though not the kind of seriousness I fear. Every so often he flashes a smile that almost makes him look like he feels he's doing something he shouldn't be doing. It's okay to smile and laugh with me--it's what I love most. It's how I connect with people.

I brought in the song "Love Song" to sing since I can finally sing pop music in a voice lesson. I loved the way he looked at me excited after we did vocal exercises and said, "Let's get you on a song!" I can feel that he's genuinely passionate about what he's doing and that gets me excited and inspired. I was getting a good vibe from him so I paid him in advance for three more lessons.

Please stay amazing, voice lessons. I need you right now. Especially now.

Also, my car was broken into

One doesn't look at my car and think, "Now that's a mark of wealth right there." It's obviously older than I am with fading beige paint, and a style reminiscent of the 80s. I don't know what they were thinking when they smashed the back window and broke into my car. There was nothing to take--I've got a cassette player in there for Christ's sake! That should have tipped them off right there. I don't keep anything of value in my car and all that was visible was an old pair of shoes, an umbrella, some maps and a binder. My car is so old that the back window had been discontinued and I had to go to a junk yard to find a replacement. I would never wish this on someone else, but there are cars similar to mine on my street that appear slightly newer and with shinier paint. Why not those cars? Why mine? What did my car ever do to them? What did I ever do to them? I almost let myself cry over this, but there are worse things in the world. Did I tell you my grandfather is in the hospital? People never cease to amaze me.

"Your dream of growth can be a reality."

I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend after having a very inspirational and motivating conversation. When I saw that quote in the subject line of an email I felt even more uplifted and almost opened it.

And then I realized I was in my spam folder.

Funny thing, perspective.