"You so obviously watch the Disney Channel."

Words straight out of the BF's mouth lol. I had no idea I radiated Disney, despite the fact that I'm sitting here wearing Eeyore pajama pants. (My mom picked them out for me as a Christmas present. Somehow Eeyore reminds her of me.) I guess this whole Disney feeling's been going on for a while because he also told me he didn't believe when I said I was only kidding about wanting to be Hannah Montana for Halloween. I totally was though! :-)

"He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more."

I can't say I've seen anything quite like the Museum of Broken Relationships before. It's a touring exhibit of gifts given from one lover to another, but only items from failed relationships are accepted. The web site has pictures of the gifts along with the story of what happened. The tokens of love range from fuzzy handcuffs to a wedding dress to underwear to a bag of dirt. The one that made me laugh was a cell phone with the description: "He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more." What. a. dog. Then there was a bowl for kneading bread that a man had given to his wife because he thought bread kneading was erotic. (Although she said she was only wearing an apron while she was doing it, so...) The most impressive one of all was the story of the axe: A woman left on a business trip and came back to find that her girlfriend had left her for another woman. While the two love birds had run off on a vacation, the dumpee took an axe to all her ex-girlfriend's furniture.

I've had my fair share of fiery moments during relationships, but I never needed to take an axe to anything. One person who I don't even want to claim as ever having been my boyfriend used to give me his old computer science books. He'd also try to pawn off his stupid old crusty computer parts. (I don't actually know that they were crusty, but Lord only knows what he'd done with them. He actually used to refer to the way he touched his computers as "fondling" them. Yeah, I know. What the fuck was I thinking? And what the fuck did he think I was going to do with his lame ass network cards?!) He actually got pissed at me every time I'd tell him I didn't want his stuff. He said it was rude of me not to accept his gifts!

You know, come to think of it, he was always trying to give me his old stuff or someone else's old stuff. He'd go to the CD store and get me used CDs of his favorite music then get mad if I'd say anything critical of it. Then he got me a CD I already had--one that I'd told him I'd gotten. He really, really sucked. I will admit to liking ONE thing that he got me, which was thoughtful: a songwriting book. That was nice. But all the other stuff was shit, which is why I sold everything I could on Amazon when it was over lol. Had this exhibit been running all those years ago, I would've donated it to them.

Lordy Lord, it's late. It's late enough that Pastor Melissa Scott is now preaching on channel 4.

Time to pretend to go to bed now, my lovey doveys. Good night :-)

Take it off! Let's see that flesh!

I came up with the resolutions list from the previous entry pretty quickly because I've been wanting to change these things about myself for a while. Some of them will be harder than others, but I do find each of them to be a challenge. For some of them I'm looking at them thinking, "Oh shit!," but I'll try my best to get them accomplished. Here they are all fleshed out:

1. Stop being late - Whenever I talk to my mom about being late for something and being in a hurry because of it, she tells me, "You're never in a hurry." She says that not because I'm never late, but because I never hurry when I'm late. I always argue that I always hurry, I just keep thinking of things to do and think I can do them in the amount of time I've allotted myself to get ready. It's gotten so bad that I show up 30-60 minutes late for work every day. Luckily I work at a start-up where it's pretty lax and I always put in my 8 hours. Starting now I'm making an effort to arrive on time for work and other events.


2. Improve my memory - I think I'm going to add "Work on being more focused" to this one. Maybe it's a Gemini thing, but my mind is constantly going and I find it hard to remember anything--mostly things I've done. I remember broad ideas or things I've read, but I find it really hard to remember things I did or why I did them and certain details. My bf has told me before that I go off on tangents. Or that I'm in one of my "tangent modes." I also have trouble concentrating on one thing long enough to actually get it done. Like it may take me a few days to write a blog for my job because I'll write a paragraph, have to think for a while, then go off and do Web work, then do something else then get back to my blog. It's ridiculous. I need to focus. Not sure how I'm going to do this, but I think games/puzzles are supposed to help, so I will research it.
   


3. Write more often - This goes for both work, journals, and songwriting. I'm a Gemini--communication is my forte. I need to start acting like it. It really is what I want to do, so I need to stop procrastinating waiting for perfection and get out whatever will come out then edit later.
   


4. Scare myself on a regular basis - How am I going to grow if I don't shit my pants every once in a while? Seriously. (Well, maybe not seriously...) I went caroling several days in December and that was a really brave thing for me to have done. I met people on Craigslist, which was frightening to me and then I went around singing all over San Francisco for 7 hours at a time with a group of (at most) 7 or 8 people. With two people on one part, it can feel naked and when I was the only girl singing on the last day, I felt even nakeder. I need to do more performing because I think that's the ultimate frightening thing for me. But I won't limit it to performing because that will take a while for me, so driving in San Francisco and/or Oakland, meeting new people, visiting new towns, etc. Those kinds of things are also on the list. I'm such a homebody these days it's ridiculous. I moved here so I could go DO things. This also leads into #5...
   


5. Stick up for myself - I have a habit of letting people make decisions and going along with it because I don't have an opinion one way or another. If it's something I truly care about, I'll fight it all the way. No one's ever rude to me so I don't need to stick up for myself in that respect, but sometimes things happen and I wonder why I don't visibly/vocally react when I get riled up. Maybe for fear that I'd blush? I don't know. I used to blush all the time. Now I don't so much, but occasionally it'll creep in. NO MORE DOING WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO AND NO MORE LETTING PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
   


6. Talk louder - Recently I've noticed my Virgo rising has been causing me to talk in an almost whisper. It really bugs me. I'm not soft spoken necessarily, but I come off that way. From now on I will speak not from the diaphragm, but from the BALLS (O' STEEL). Either that or the vagina. Whichever feels more powerful at the time. (I was wondering how long I'd be able to go in this journal before using the word "vagina"...)
   


7. Go to sleep early - I'm a night owl, but if I really want to be awake by 8 am so I can start getting to work on time, I'm aiming for a bedtime of at least 1 am. I think it's a good, round time that I can work with. Plus, it's nice to have sleep so I don't have to slap myself in the face at work to keep myself awake.
   


8. Don't get so worked up and worried about things - This one will be extremely hard. Maybe I'll need to meditate...or possibly even medicate. There are nights when I can't sleep because I'm worried or angry or both. The other night I stayed up till past 4am. I really think it helps me when I'm having my "mind races" to turn the TV on and fall asleep with it on. It makes my mind slow down and concentrate on something else. For now that's the only thing that works, but I'll have to research some better methods.
   


9. Be healthier - I already eat organic and usually stay away from artificial colors and flavors and preservatives, but I need to eat more vegetables. And take my vitamins. I'm going to start. Oh, and drink more liquids too.
   


10. Practice music more often - I just got an email from the leader of the caroling group and it turns out everyone wants to keep singing! It's going to be a year round thing! So now it's built in that I WILL be practicing more. My dreamy dreams are coming true! But before I got the email, I decided to practice my vocal exercises several times a week and join at least one singing group.
    

New Year Resolutions (in no particular order)

I'll flesh these babies out later when it's not so 3:52 am-ish:

1. Stop being so goddam late all the time
2. Improve memory
3. Write more often
4. Do some stuff that scares the shit out of me (driving in SF, performing, etc)
5. Stick up for myself without blushing
6. Speak with a louder voice so as to frighten people
7. Go to sleep at a decent bedtime
8. Don't get worked up about the little things that end up affecting #7
   
9. Be healthier
10. Practice music more often. In fact, practice music way too often.
    

Who locked the door? 1 2 3 not me!

Aw, I just scrolled down to the bottom of my journal looking for the Post New Entry link. JS style. I've gotta remember that Blogger has it up at the top.

Before I forget this weirdness I'm experiencing, I want to write it down.

I went back home for Christmas and I think I even left reasonably early. (Usually I'm late for everything I do--I'll talk about this in a New Years Resolution entry or something because I'm resolving to stop that.) The thing is, I don't remember rushing. I do remember going back up for my umbrella after I'd packed stuff away in my car, but I don't remember locking my bedroom door or leaving the light on in my room. After seven months of living here, I have never once locked my room door. The main reason being because it has no key. It's a regular door lock--one you'd find in an office or something--not one you'd find on a bathroom that can be unlocked from the outside with a screwdriver. What I'm saying is there's no easy way to get in without some serious picking. But I came home from my Christmas vacation and it was locked.

I called the locksmith to open it and I remember running up the steps to my room so I could give him the new doorknob. (Back when the creepy roommate was around and we suspected him of going into our rooms when we were gone during the day--which he was--I had purchased a new doorknob with a set of keys so I could lock it if need be. I just never got around to putting it on because the roommate was caught and kicked out soon after.) If I remember correctly, it appeared to be daylight in my room when I ran up to get the doorknob. The thing is, I have thick fleece blankets covering my windows to keep the heat in and it's always dark in my room, no matter what time of day. I don't think I would have run so quickly up the stairs if it had been dark. Then again, I could be remembering incorrectly. I wasn't paying close attention. Maybe I did flip the light on.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because, although nothing was missing, it's really out of character for me to leave my bedroom light on when I leave the room and even more strange that I would have locked my door knowing full well the consequences of doing so. Just a few minutes ago I opened my closet and saw an open space on one of the shelves. I never have empty space in my closet because it's the only place I have to store anything and I make good use of it. Unfortunately I can't remember what was there in that space to decide whether or not anything was taken.

Nothing in the house was messed with and there was no sign of forced entry anywhere, so all I can chalk it up to is me being flaky as I was leaving that afternoon for home. Maybe I should add "paying attention to what I'm doing when I'm doing it" to my list o' resolutions.

Multimedia message experimentation

Just testing out the blogging by email feature.

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This is my backyard, btw.

Out with the old and in with the new

It's funny how one seemingly insignificant decision can have such a huge impact on your life. Back in 2003 I decided to begin an online journal at what was then a small online journaling (not to be confused with blogging) community-based Web site. Originally I signed up because a friend wanted to join and thought it would be fun if I joined with him. To be honest, I didn't like the idea and doubted it would be enjoyable to write in an online journal that the world could read. After all, I was a private person, and still am for the most part. It's kind of ironic that shortly after he joined, he canceled his account and left and I was the one who ended up staying...for over five years.

The greatest thing about the site was the community. People were there to both listen and be heard. I was 20 at the time I joined and pretty angsty. (Nowadays my angst comes and goes.) I used my journal as a way to vent my frustrations with life, family, relationships, school--anything, really--and ended up getting to know people on a very personal level because of it. It was a good feeling to know I wasn't crazy for feeling some of the emotions I was feeling, or that others would have reacted the same way I had to particular incidents.

Not only were people's journals in the traditional "dear diary"-esque format where they divulged details of their day the way I had, but some chose the more artistic route. I distinctly remember every English class I'd taken in school skipping right over the poetry section so I was never able to fully exercise that part of my writing. I soon met a man whose journal, had it been paper, would have been so saturated with rich imagery that it would've dripped when he wrote of rivers and warmed when he wrote of love. His writing was alive. He is the sole reason for my ever attempting to appreciate or try my hand at creative writing. Because of him, my own songwriting and my appreciation for others' song lyrics was never the same, and for that, as a musician, I am truly thankful.

As a regularly active member of the journal community, I developed deep relationships with many people. I had the opportunity to meet several people in person, one of whom was a lawyer who actually helped me get out of a sticky situation with a not-so-friendly real life "admirer." Others were just there for me when I needed a cyber shoulder to cry on. The community is very tight knit and I know for a fact that I am not the only person who feels this way.

As all things must come to an end, I always wondered how this cyber world would come to a close, and now I know. My favorite journal site that allowed me to make connections and grow as a writer and as a person--the site I called home for so many years--is no longer. The site adminstrator put a note up on the now barren homepage informing the community that the server's drives had been completely wiped over Christmas week. The culprit is either a faulty operating system or--even worse--a faulty person. (The note also left a link to a forum where site members could reconnect with one another.)

It's upsetting to think that someone would purposefully be so malicious as to delete thousands of people's life records, and may the heaviest guilt-ridden shame be upon him (or her), but what's done is done. I'm neither completely devastated nor ecstatic about losing all my digitized memories. Of course I would like to have them back, but I refuse to get depressed about it. Maybe it's no coincidence that this situation coincided with the New Year. Maybe it's a sign that after five years it's time to move on from the past and start living for the future. That's how I'm deciding to see it.