Also, my car was broken into

One doesn't look at my car and think, "Now that's a mark of wealth right there." It's obviously older than I am with fading beige paint, and a style reminiscent of the 80s. I don't know what they were thinking when they smashed the back window and broke into my car. There was nothing to take--I've got a cassette player in there for Christ's sake! That should have tipped them off right there. I don't keep anything of value in my car and all that was visible was an old pair of shoes, an umbrella, some maps and a binder. My car is so old that the back window had been discontinued and I had to go to a junk yard to find a replacement. I would never wish this on someone else, but there are cars similar to mine on my street that appear slightly newer and with shinier paint. Why not those cars? Why mine? What did my car ever do to them? What did I ever do to them? I almost let myself cry over this, but there are worse things in the world. Did I tell you my grandfather is in the hospital? People never cease to amaze me.

"Your dream of growth can be a reality."

I had just gotten off the phone with a dear friend after having a very inspirational and motivating conversation. When I saw that quote in the subject line of an email I felt even more uplifted and almost opened it.

And then I realized I was in my spam folder.

Funny thing, perspective.

Looking for love in a parked car

Last night I had a dream where I opened the trunk of my car and stuck a check in a clutch wallet, which was supposed to be an ATM, and an unbelievable amount of money came out. I think I was trying to withdraw some money from my account and $100,000 bills started shooting out of it. (Never mind that US dollars don't come in bills worth that much...) I was really surprised that I suddenly had all this money, but I felt like I should do the right thing and return it. I went to the bank and was about to give the teller the money I had when an old friend from high school said hi to me and asked me what was up. I turned to her and flashed the cash, saying, "The ATM machine just gave me all this money! Can you believe it?! I'm here to return it." As soon as the old woman teller heard that, she got high-and-mighty with me, saying that it was wrong for me to flash the money that way and that she was going to have to write me up for it.

(Incidentally, I think the woman playing the role of the teller was the dumb little Mrs. Claus looking woman from the DMV who had given me my first behind-the-wheel driving test. She failed me because I had caused traffic to stop as I was leaving the parking lot. She had no sympathy for me or my incredible nervousness. Occasionally I think about her and what a little witch she was for making me drive even though she knew she was going to fail me. The thing that pissed me off the most was when she fucking grabbed the wheel as I pulled back into the parking lot because she thought I was going to run over the kids who were playing ball in the freaking driveway. I was in complete control and she had no faith in me.)

Okay, so this evil little bank teller woman started droning on about how it wasn't ladylike to do that with money, how it was impolite and uncultured to call attention to my money that way. I really didn't feel like it was a big deal since I'd only shown my friend. But either way, she was going to report me AND put a mark on my credit so that it would make it extra hard or impossible for me to ever get a loan in my life for a house or anything else. She was going to fuck me up just for that fanning of the money, completely ignoring my good intentions of returning it.

Something, I'm not sure what, just sparked my memory of this dream, which I think is pretty symbolic. I went onto a dream dictionary and here are the symbols I found. It's pretty interesting and relevant to my life right now:

To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life.

I'm going to go with the first parked car symbol. Many a friend have been telling me that my relationship situation is like the parked car--going nowhere--and that I'm putting energy into something that will end up being fruitless.

Then we have finding all the money in the car and getting extra money:

To see or win money in your dream, symbolizes that success and prosperity is within your reach. Money may represent confidence, self-worth, success, or values. You have much belief in yourself. Alternatively, dreaming about money, refers to your attitudes about love and matters of the heart. It is frequently a symbol for sexuality and power. In particular, finding money indicates your quest for love or for power.

To dream that you lose money, signifies temporary unhappiness in the home and a few setbacks in your affairs. You may be feeling weak, vulnerable, and out of control in your waking life. Additionally, you may be lacking ambition, power and self-esteem.

To give or spend money in you dream, is analogous to giving love. You are looking for love.

In the dream I "won"/saw money, lost, and gave it away. I would say that finding money in a parked car would mean (using the symbolism from the dictionary) that I was putting too much effort into love. I'm not sure how the whole confidence thing plays in here. I wouldn't say I'm the most confident person, but the love thing rings true.

I lost the money to the evil bank lady, and I'd say that I feel vulnerable in my situation currently and that my self-esteem has been wavering because of it. However, I find that being in this situation makes me more ambitious because I get mad at the loverboy and want to become successful as a revenge tactic. Not sure if it actually works that way, but in my head it does. (It's the whole "Look what you could've had" thing.) I find it interesting that the bank teller was played by the DMV woman, someone who, in real life, had denied me permission to drive--she wanted to separate me from love.

Of course my giving the money back could very well be my giving of love. It is true that I'm looking for love. Just like any other person I want to love and be loved; I'd even go so far as to say it's the main thing I want right now. I want a boyfriend who is my best friend before he is my boyfriend, but things don't always work out that way. (Did I tell you he moved to LA?) I could've easily kept all the money for myself in the dream, but I wanted to give it back and then got fucked over for doing so. In the end I should've just kept it and bought myself a vacation to every country in the world so I could find myself the perfect dream man.

I feel incredibly silly.

I'm just a silly girl is all.

In an interesting turn of events, my best friend in Korea is coming to visit me. I am not the kind of friend who would make her stay at a hostel like she suggested. I don't think I ever told the Korea story in its entirety just because of the sensitivity of the situation. Long story short: the trip I took there was emotional and hostile. The trip she will make out here will be nothing of the sort.

I get myself into odd situations on a regular basis. Maybe that should've been a New Year resolution--to stop that.

On a happy note, I have friends in the singing group. I went out dinnering and dancing in San Francisco Friday night with those friendly people who I'm beginning to really appreciate. I was late because SF parking is impossible and the leader guy, E, actually left the restaurant to find and escort me to the restaurant. How sweet is that? And when we finally arrived, H, the guy who flirts a lot, immediately complimented me on my purse lol. He also gave me a present that I can't disclose 'cause I've been sworn to secrecy. (It was a nice gift though, just know this.)

During the dancing portion of the night H "dancenapped" me and I was really embarrassed. Imagine this--guys who actually ENJOY dancing!(!!!) After a drink (of WATER!) I went back out with the other shy girl and cut a rug so to speak. (No, not that kinda rug!) That's when H danced again with me. (I don't dance well with others, mainly from lack of experience.) He kept complimenting my dancing which made me laugh because I don't consider myself a dancer anymore. "You've been practicing in your room!" Very fun people. I truly dig them.

It's after 1:30am and my resolution to go to sleep early ain't working so well. However, I did do the scary thing and went to dinner and dancing AND drove to SF that Friday night, so I count that as a score for my team. (Outings make me nervous, lord only knows why.)

So that's it for now. I love my dovies!

791

Today at work I logged into my online bank account and found charges amounting to $791 made to my debit/credit card. They were in chunks of about 350 and 400 dollars and a couple smaller charges. I'm pretty good about saving my money and never spend that much and A.) Forget about it or B.) Have it not go to pay car insurance or something practical. I called the bank and they said all the charges were made from two different airlines. I immediately had the bank assistant cancel the card and file a claim because obviously if I had planned a trip or two for myself, chances are I would have let myself in on it. So basically some mother fucker stole my credit card number and fucking bought himself a vacation.

The thing is, I still have my card so it's not like I left it somewhere or someone stole it from me. I am always careful online and never make purchases from online stores that I don't trust so I don't think I was phished or scammed somehow. The only things I really ever buy online are concert tickets or stuff from Amazon and I haven't bought anything online in a while. And I always keep my receipts from grocery stores, etc., even if it only shows the last four digits of the credit card number. The only thing that I've done differently is pay by credit card to the locksmith who opened my door for me. Since he couldn't swipe it, he did the carbon paper and crayon method. (Is that thing even a crayon?) I'm not blaming him for it, but it had the entire number and my name on the receipt. Maybe my address too. (Or at least the company knew my address.) My roommate said maybe the locksmith lost their copy of the receipt and someone got a hold of it that way. My dad offered that someone might have sold the number. I don't know what to think. Right now I'm just concerned about getting up early enough in the morning so I have time to go to the bank and get some cash out so I can pay for stuff for seven to ten business days until I get my new card.

Arg.

O9

This morning as I drove to work, I caught a glimpse of the marquee of a local independent movie theater. It had more text on it than usual, which is what caught my eye. Instead of movie titles, it had a note saying something to the effect of "The national disaster will finally be over on January 20. Good luck Obama." I don't consider myself an overly political person, but something about that note made me start crying right there in my car. I'm so happy for Obama, not just as a President (elect), but as a person. I can't even explain it. So really: good luck to him and good luck to us.

Reconnecting

My former co-worker, D, contacted me tonight over IM and asked me for my phone number so he could put it in his new phone. We talked for a while. He sent me some clips of the music he's going to be putting on his next album. I admire the fact that he's writing and putting a lot of effort into his music. One funny thing he told me tonight was, "When I meet girls, they like me. When they find out I do music, they LOVE me." It really cracked me up. I asked him if it worked the same way--if a girl does music, do guys like them more? He said it depends on the guy and if they like that sort of thing.

As for myself, I like a guy more when I learn he's a musician (but only if he's a GOOD musician--just because he can strum a few chords doesn't mean he's a musician). I always thought I liked them more because it meant we had something in common. Now I'm just wondering if I like them more just because they're a musician. I'm pretty sure I'm not that kind of girl because I can distinguish between good and bad musicians. I remember back in my CIS days, I'd immediately like a guy more if I knew he was studying computer science. It's interesting how we're attracted to different people for different reasons.

That's me going into tangent mode because it's got nothing to do with D. But back to D: He checks in with me from time to time and it's nice. I'm glad he wanted my phone number in his phone. He's a good guy to have around and his energy and focus is oftentimes contagious. If we ever get an office for my company, I wish he'd come back and visit or work for a while with us. He's coming back in February, so I'll be happy to see him back. One more friend in the city.

"You so obviously watch the Disney Channel."

Words straight out of the BF's mouth lol. I had no idea I radiated Disney, despite the fact that I'm sitting here wearing Eeyore pajama pants. (My mom picked them out for me as a Christmas present. Somehow Eeyore reminds her of me.) I guess this whole Disney feeling's been going on for a while because he also told me he didn't believe when I said I was only kidding about wanting to be Hannah Montana for Halloween. I totally was though! :-)

"He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more."

I can't say I've seen anything quite like the Museum of Broken Relationships before. It's a touring exhibit of gifts given from one lover to another, but only items from failed relationships are accepted. The web site has pictures of the gifts along with the story of what happened. The tokens of love range from fuzzy handcuffs to a wedding dress to underwear to a bag of dirt. The one that made me laugh was a cell phone with the description: "He gave me his mobile phone so I couldn't call him any more." What. a. dog. Then there was a bowl for kneading bread that a man had given to his wife because he thought bread kneading was erotic. (Although she said she was only wearing an apron while she was doing it, so...) The most impressive one of all was the story of the axe: A woman left on a business trip and came back to find that her girlfriend had left her for another woman. While the two love birds had run off on a vacation, the dumpee took an axe to all her ex-girlfriend's furniture.

I've had my fair share of fiery moments during relationships, but I never needed to take an axe to anything. One person who I don't even want to claim as ever having been my boyfriend used to give me his old computer science books. He'd also try to pawn off his stupid old crusty computer parts. (I don't actually know that they were crusty, but Lord only knows what he'd done with them. He actually used to refer to the way he touched his computers as "fondling" them. Yeah, I know. What the fuck was I thinking? And what the fuck did he think I was going to do with his lame ass network cards?!) He actually got pissed at me every time I'd tell him I didn't want his stuff. He said it was rude of me not to accept his gifts!

You know, come to think of it, he was always trying to give me his old stuff or someone else's old stuff. He'd go to the CD store and get me used CDs of his favorite music then get mad if I'd say anything critical of it. Then he got me a CD I already had--one that I'd told him I'd gotten. He really, really sucked. I will admit to liking ONE thing that he got me, which was thoughtful: a songwriting book. That was nice. But all the other stuff was shit, which is why I sold everything I could on Amazon when it was over lol. Had this exhibit been running all those years ago, I would've donated it to them.

Lordy Lord, it's late. It's late enough that Pastor Melissa Scott is now preaching on channel 4.

Time to pretend to go to bed now, my lovey doveys. Good night :-)

Take it off! Let's see that flesh!

I came up with the resolutions list from the previous entry pretty quickly because I've been wanting to change these things about myself for a while. Some of them will be harder than others, but I do find each of them to be a challenge. For some of them I'm looking at them thinking, "Oh shit!," but I'll try my best to get them accomplished. Here they are all fleshed out:

1. Stop being late - Whenever I talk to my mom about being late for something and being in a hurry because of it, she tells me, "You're never in a hurry." She says that not because I'm never late, but because I never hurry when I'm late. I always argue that I always hurry, I just keep thinking of things to do and think I can do them in the amount of time I've allotted myself to get ready. It's gotten so bad that I show up 30-60 minutes late for work every day. Luckily I work at a start-up where it's pretty lax and I always put in my 8 hours. Starting now I'm making an effort to arrive on time for work and other events.


2. Improve my memory - I think I'm going to add "Work on being more focused" to this one. Maybe it's a Gemini thing, but my mind is constantly going and I find it hard to remember anything--mostly things I've done. I remember broad ideas or things I've read, but I find it really hard to remember things I did or why I did them and certain details. My bf has told me before that I go off on tangents. Or that I'm in one of my "tangent modes." I also have trouble concentrating on one thing long enough to actually get it done. Like it may take me a few days to write a blog for my job because I'll write a paragraph, have to think for a while, then go off and do Web work, then do something else then get back to my blog. It's ridiculous. I need to focus. Not sure how I'm going to do this, but I think games/puzzles are supposed to help, so I will research it.
   


3. Write more often - This goes for both work, journals, and songwriting. I'm a Gemini--communication is my forte. I need to start acting like it. It really is what I want to do, so I need to stop procrastinating waiting for perfection and get out whatever will come out then edit later.
   


4. Scare myself on a regular basis - How am I going to grow if I don't shit my pants every once in a while? Seriously. (Well, maybe not seriously...) I went caroling several days in December and that was a really brave thing for me to have done. I met people on Craigslist, which was frightening to me and then I went around singing all over San Francisco for 7 hours at a time with a group of (at most) 7 or 8 people. With two people on one part, it can feel naked and when I was the only girl singing on the last day, I felt even nakeder. I need to do more performing because I think that's the ultimate frightening thing for me. But I won't limit it to performing because that will take a while for me, so driving in San Francisco and/or Oakland, meeting new people, visiting new towns, etc. Those kinds of things are also on the list. I'm such a homebody these days it's ridiculous. I moved here so I could go DO things. This also leads into #5...
   


5. Stick up for myself - I have a habit of letting people make decisions and going along with it because I don't have an opinion one way or another. If it's something I truly care about, I'll fight it all the way. No one's ever rude to me so I don't need to stick up for myself in that respect, but sometimes things happen and I wonder why I don't visibly/vocally react when I get riled up. Maybe for fear that I'd blush? I don't know. I used to blush all the time. Now I don't so much, but occasionally it'll creep in. NO MORE DOING WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO AND NO MORE LETTING PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
   


6. Talk louder - Recently I've noticed my Virgo rising has been causing me to talk in an almost whisper. It really bugs me. I'm not soft spoken necessarily, but I come off that way. From now on I will speak not from the diaphragm, but from the BALLS (O' STEEL). Either that or the vagina. Whichever feels more powerful at the time. (I was wondering how long I'd be able to go in this journal before using the word "vagina"...)
   


7. Go to sleep early - I'm a night owl, but if I really want to be awake by 8 am so I can start getting to work on time, I'm aiming for a bedtime of at least 1 am. I think it's a good, round time that I can work with. Plus, it's nice to have sleep so I don't have to slap myself in the face at work to keep myself awake.
   


8. Don't get so worked up and worried about things - This one will be extremely hard. Maybe I'll need to meditate...or possibly even medicate. There are nights when I can't sleep because I'm worried or angry or both. The other night I stayed up till past 4am. I really think it helps me when I'm having my "mind races" to turn the TV on and fall asleep with it on. It makes my mind slow down and concentrate on something else. For now that's the only thing that works, but I'll have to research some better methods.
   


9. Be healthier - I already eat organic and usually stay away from artificial colors and flavors and preservatives, but I need to eat more vegetables. And take my vitamins. I'm going to start. Oh, and drink more liquids too.
   


10. Practice music more often - I just got an email from the leader of the caroling group and it turns out everyone wants to keep singing! It's going to be a year round thing! So now it's built in that I WILL be practicing more. My dreamy dreams are coming true! But before I got the email, I decided to practice my vocal exercises several times a week and join at least one singing group.